mental state 2

My mental health has slowly been deteriorating as this summer comes to a close. I recently went through a break up and I think I have lost one of my closest friends for a while. I feel so bad for putting everyone through my problems with myself and I hate that I take those problems out on them. I had a major depressive episode beginning on Thursday august 10th and it is coming to a close today Sunday August 13. This depressive episode was sparked by being broken up with after two weeks of being in a relationship. Due to the breakup's unexpected nature, I hit a downward spiral as soon as those words were uttered. I am still hurt, filled with sadness and pain but I am slowly getting back up there. One of the things that I experienced in this episode that I never experienced before was a lack of appetite. I had not eaten anything until today, before today everything seemed disgusting, I couldn't even drink juice, my diet for those two full days consisted only of water. the nature of this episode was quite interesting because I would finally feel somewhat better and think I could finally do stuff but each time I tried to do things I broke down and couldn't face my demons. Yesterday I foolishly thought I was ready to see him again and quickly realized that was not the case. when I first saw him I was filled with so much hatred and anger, that I just wanted to drive off. once he got in my car I wanted to discuss the terms of what our relationship was going to become but I just couldn't do it, it was far too soon and now I am realizing that we are probably better off as close friends rather than in a relationship. I am still hurt and I am still doubting a lot of things, but questions he asked me yesterday put a lot of things into perspective and I can't thank him enough for that. Reality sucks, it really does, you and I will move away, part ways and live our lives I want you to always know you were my first true love and my first true heart break and I just am so happy that it was all with you. I will never be able to truly hate you because you gave me some of the greatest experiences of my life, all I can hope is that I returned the favor.

THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR EITHER OF US 

So we both know that it isn’t going to be the same anymore 

I know I still love and respect you and we both have reason to be afraid for the future 

You are right, you are in a good place, you are clean and that makes me so damn happy 

And you are right, I’m leaving and you are staying here, that is going to be really difficult 

I have doubt that pausing our relationship will keep me from thinking about you though 

You don’t understand how important you are to me and I think that is what is adding to the pain too

The fact you are so important to me and it sort of feels like I am less important to you 

This situation made me begin to question whether you actually did love me more and I want you to know that 

I am not going to just let you walk away and I feel like you already know that 

I told you from the beginning I was going to protect you and help you and try my hardest to make you happy so that is what I am going to do 

But if you get to be selfish that means I get to be to and that is why I am asking for closure 

I need to know what is going to happen, because while I’m away I know for a fact I will still worry about you, nothing is going to change that, and I feel like you know that to 

I don’t expect anything from you, I never did honestly and as your friend and as your (on pause) girlfriend I hope you didn’t expect too much from me 

I am just kicking myself now because I feel like we went way too fast and now I’m beginning to question if it was worth it at all to even begin a relationship 

I kinda wish I never did tell you that I like you and I kinda wish I would have never said I was in love with you