My mental state

The point of this is me telling people what is wrong with me but not really telling. The of people finding this are pretty slim so, I might as well just publish this and pray that no one actually reads it and sees how I really feel about them. 

post one 

Once again I don't understand why people even care about me. It just makes it harder for me to disappear. I want to start over and be new but that won't happen with the past following me. But they are different, aren't they? All of them who I have met this year are different. I get to be my true self in front of them because they haven't watched me grow up like everybody else. In their eyes, I don't have a reputation to live up to and that is a good thing isn't it. I don't know how I feel anymore. There are only two days left of this hell before I enter a new one. Hopefully, the newer one was worth the wait and the pain. I know high school was supposed to be the best four years of my life but it just brought on life lessons that made me more aware of my insecurities and the flaws with other people. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT. I can hear everyone in my head saying look at the hypocrite saying that she is perfect and everyone around her is the mess, but I am not trying to say that. I am trying to explain how high school made me more aware that there are actually a lot of people like me. A lot of people who are afraid of what others think, people who are afraid of getting too close because they might get hurt, and people who are afraid of hurting other people. That is my problem I worry and care too much about everyone around me. All of the times I did stop caring and actually spoke my mind, friendships sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Lost forever, but those made me realize who my true friends are. The people who care about me and who aren't just my friend so they have someone that will listen to them. I give the advice and listen. I rarely talk about who I am as a person. To those at school, I am the either the nice Gabriella or the bitch who speaks her mind. There is no in between. Quite frankly I enjoy being the bitch over the nice one. But the nice one is the one who always takes over. She won't do anything stupid, she always listens to her parents, she is so quiet, I didn't even know she was in this class. It is easy to be the ghost. But I can't be a ghost forever, my voice has to be heard and I can't be stepped on by anyone. My parents put me down, so do my siblings. 

My friends act supportive but are they really. How can anyone be so trusting? I don't understand how people open themselves up just like that and share everything about their lives. Why would you put yourself in such a vulnerable position? That is the position I put myself in with Jakob and Cassandra and samtam. All of them know things about me that not a lot of people know.